Shit Film Of The Week #1: The Bleeding

Ok. Ignore that awesome poster. The cover for my version of the film was designed to appeal to fans of ‘The Fast & The Furious’ (yes they’re out there) so I was immediately dreading it, and I was right to. THE BLEEDING IS A MONSTROUS PILE OF SHIT. I mean that title? It’s like something your gran would say when cursing something e.g:  “the bleeding oven’s fucked again!” or “the bleeding cat’s pissed all over my finest crockery!!”. It’s confusing. The Bleeding? The Bleeding fucking what?!?

I’m not gonna go into the story in depth, but basically the white bald dude in the poster (Michael Matthias – nah me neither) and Vinnie Jones are brothers, Vinnie Jones died 5 years ago and now he’s back as a vampire leading all the vampires to kill everyone, and his brother is the only one that can stop him. It’s fucking stupid in other words, and you get the impression that everyone in it bar the lead (Michael Matthias) are going through the film thinking ‘What in shits name am I doing in this?’. Vinnie Jones ambles around in a stupid wig attempting to do a Texan accent (at least that’s what I thought he was trying to do) and comes of the worst in this celluloid cuntery. The transformation from the brutal character Chris (himself basically) that he played in Lock Stock to this frankly ridiculous limp cock portrayal of a supposedly frightening Vampire, just makes me want to cut off my own limp cock and force feed it to him. Michael Madsen, again, in another terrible film (why Michael? Why the fuck do you do it?) just going through bored motions. He shittily plays Father Roy, a kinda pissed, gun slinging priest and basically just embarrasses himself, over acting the shit out of every scene and slowly dying  inside at the same time. The only person in this who seems to have the ability to actually act is fucking rapper DMX, and he dies after 5 minutes!!

I like films that know they’re fucking stupid, but not at any point did I get that impression with this. The Bleeding THINKS it’s a homage to B-Movies but it’s just a homage to PLAIN FUCKING DOGSHIT. GO WATCH IT NOW!!!

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